Supporting someone you care about can be incredibly challenging, but your care and presence can make a big difference. Change takes time, and there may be moments when you feel exhausted or discouraged.

These feelings are completely natural. Preparing for a long journey can help both you and your loved one navigate the experience together. 

 

Here are the steps you can take to provide this long-term support:

People from all walks of life use drugs, across all ages, incomes, and communities. What they experience can vary greatly. Some people might use drugs occasionally and never face serious issues, while others may use them more regularly over time, which can increase the risk of long-term problems.  

There’s no single story or outcome, and many things can influence how drug use affects people’s lives. These can be factors such as physical health challenges, disabilities, neurodiversity, experiences with trauma, and unstable housing or relationships, which can all make a situation more complicated. Most people won’t become addicted after trying a drug once, but when someone is going through tough times or facing multiple challenges, the risk of developing problems can be much higher. 

Having a strong support system can help people to prevent problems from developing, and to address them when they come up. It’s easier for people to spot problems early and make changes when they feel connected, understood, and supported. On the other hand, feeling scared of being judged or shamed can make people less likely to be honest with themselves and the people around them. That’s why it’s so important to be empathetic and focus on the person, their story, their strengths, and their needs, rather than just the drug itself.  

If you are supporting someone who is in recovery from addiction, remember that it isn’t a straight line. It’s a deeply personal process that often includes setbacks, learning, and growth. Understanding this journey can help you know what to expect and figure out how to provide support at different stages.   

You can find helpful information about what to expect from different drugs on our Drug Information pages. The We Are Family booklet from Te Pou also shares real stories from families who have been through this, and  Kina Trust has information for families and whanau.

Here are some insights from people who have been there: 

  • Whatever is happening, the situation is not your fault.

  • Be aware of what you can control, and what you can't.

  • It’s okay to reach out for your own support.

  • Remember it’s best to be open and remain calm to encourage them to be honest about their drug use.

  • It can be helpful to talk it through with other family members.

  • Sometimes, it’s helpful to focus on the basics – making sure we’re all eating, getting some exercise, and sleeping ok.   

“We kept a pretty firm schedule for our family. It was much easier for us all to manage our feelings when all the day-to-day things were predictable.” 

“It was hard, but I needed to learn how to let other people help me. I was so used to trying to keep everything under control, not let anyone see how stressed we all were. I needed to face reality. I couldn't keep that up forever. I'm not superhuman.” 

“We made a fuss over every achievement. Celebrating every success the kids had at school. We tried to have some time each week when we could just have fun together. It didn't always work out, but we tried. Things were hard, but we knew we loved each other.” 

It’s like the safety advice on airplanes – fit your own mask before helping others. Support organisations and groups like Family Drug Support, Bravehearts and Al-Anon groups offer spaces to talk about what is going on and meet other people who understand what you’re going through. Some services also provide family and friends support groups.  

Taking time for yourself is essential. A useful acronym to remember is NEST. This acronym is a reminder to take care of your Nutrition, Exercise, Sleep, and Time for yourself. You may want to explore more info about NEST and read up on ways to look after your basic needs. 

(See our whānau/family support page for more info or use Health Point to search for more services in your area). 

Call Family Drug Support on 0800 337 877 to talk about what you are going through. They provide one to one counselling for family/whānau members using the 5-Step Method. They are available for anyone in New Zealand. You can refer yourself via the Family Drug Support website. Online support is also available via the Support line, 9am to 10pm, 7 days a week.  

Call Brave Hearts on 0508 272 834 for support. This is a peer-led lived experience service. You will be speaking with someone who knows what it is like. They have online and in person support groups and offer individual family meetings in person, on the phone, or online. You can also visit the Brave Hearts website to see stories from people in similar situations.  

Call the Alcohol Drug Helpline on 0800 787 797 or text them at 8681 to talk with them and find out what support is available. They are a good place to start if you want to know what support is available in your area. The helpline has experienced professionals who provide a confidential and free service to anyone affected by drugs.  

Call MethHelp on 0800 638 443 for free, confidential nationwide phone counselling if a friend or whānau member is using meth, and you need support. You can refer yourself or someone you know via their website. 

Whare Tukutuku has created this guide for whānau that are concerned about a family member's use of drugs.  

Kina Trust has information and advice for the families of people who use alcohol and other drugs and are experiencing problems because of it. You can read about or watch videos of the experiences of others who are in a similar situation to you.

You will probably need to have many conversations over time. Try to find regular times to connect and talk honestly with each other. It can help to do these in a comfortable place where you won’t be interrupted. Try to acknowledge what’s going well and what you appreciate about each other in the conversation. Focusing only on what’s challenging can make things overwhelming. See our honest conversations section for more tips. 

If you’re worried that a situation could become violent if you raise concerns, read the 'explore how to keep you and your whānau (family) safe' section first.  

Assertive communication is a direct and respectful way of expressing your thoughts and feelings, while considering the rights and feelings of others. It involves standing up for yourself without being aggressive or passive.  

Here’s how you can raise issues assertively: 

Choose your moment carefully. Make sure you are feeling calm and well rested and have enough time to really talk through the issue. Talk when it is most likely that the other person may be receptive (do not raise issues when they are intoxicated or angry).  

Plan ahead. Think about what you want to say. If you’re their parent or caregiver, the NZ Drug Foundation’s conversation planner can help you prepare. A lot of the tips can also apply to adults.   

Be constructive and non-confrontational. Phrase your communication in positive terms, and where possible, acknowledge any positive changes you see. Make it clear you understand the perspective of the person you’re supporting and how difficult it is for them, too.  

Use “I” statements. This helps shift the focus from blaming the other person to explaining your own experience. “I” statements includes the activity, how it is affecting you, and what you would prefer to happen. For example: “I feel anxious when you come home intoxicated because I don’t know what to expect. I’d like to set some boundaries so we both feel safer”.  

You can see our honest conversations section for more tips. 

It can be helpful to explore the situation and identify what the problems are so you can address them together. There are lots of ways to go about this. Here’s one suggestion from SMART Recovery, who also have a worksheet for you to download and complete. 

Step One: Define the problem 

  • When does the problem typically happen? When is it likely to happen?

  • Who is involved? Who else is likely to be involved?

  • What usually happens? What is likely to happen?

  • What are your typical thoughts and feelings about this situation? 

Step Two: List all the things you could do

  • Brainstorm. Be as creative as possible. Write down everything that could be included as a possible strategy 

Step Three: Evaluate each strategy 

  • Give each of the strategies above a rating out of 10 by asking the following questions:

    • How likely is it to work?

    • How prepared am I to give it a try?

    • What are its good points?

    • What are the possible risks? 

Boundaries can be helpful to keep things functioning and protect everyone involved.  

Setting boundaries is a way of making clear what your expectations are, what you are willing to accept, and what you will not accept. They can help the person you’re supporting know what they can expect from you. Boundaries might include agreements like keeping drug use out of the home or not around children, or deciding how they’ll get home at night without relying on you at difficult hours. Discuss who should be informed about these boundaries and how you’ll uphold them together. The more consistent you all are with these boundaries, the more effective they will be. 

Here are some tips for setting boundaries:  

Model the behaviour you expect. For example, if you don’t want the person you’re supporting to take drugs at home, don’t get drunk yourself. 

Choose your battles. Setting boundaries isn’t about having total control. Saying ‘no’ to most things will likely lead to pushback and rebellion. Decide what really matters to you.  

Follow through on what you say. Make sure you stick to the boundaries and consequences you have set, even if it is uncomfortable for you. If you don’t follow through with them, you are sending a message that you are not serious, and the boundaries you set are less likely to be respected.  

Negotiate. Where possible, try to negotiate so that everyone feels included in the process and feels they gain something. 

Be clear if you need to change your boundaries. We live complex lives, and sometimes we can’t be present and emotionally caring all the time. It is ok to adjust your boundaries to give yourself space and time. It can help to be clear about what boundary you’re shifting, why, and how long for. For example, “I am feeling very run down from a few hard days this week, and I want to have some time to myself tonight. Can we talk about this tomorrow?” 

For more detailed information on setting boundaries, see this article from Family Drug Support. 

Your safety, and the safety of your whānau (family), always comes first. If you’re worried that a situation could become violent, take those concerns seriously. Violence can show up in many forms. It can be verbal, physical, social, financial, or psychological. None of these acts are OK. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and supported.  

How to have difficult conversations safely 

  • Avoid confrontations when the person is intoxicated or angry.

  • Wait until everyone is calm. Try not to argue, blame, or judge. Focus on the behaviour, not the person.

  • Give the person space. Don’t crowd them or block exits from the room. 

  • Use “I” statements to express how you feel. This helps shift the focus from blaming the other person to explaining your own experience. “I” statements includes the activity, how it is affecting you, and what you would prefer to happen. For example: “I feel anxious when you come home intoxicated because I don’t know what to expect. I’d like to set some boundaries so we both feel safer”.

  • Have a safety plan in place. Sit or stand near an exit so you can leave quickly if needed. 

  • If the situation feels unsafe or threatening, step away and take any children with you. 

  • Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong or unsafe, take it seriously.  

 

General tips for staying safe  

  • If you feel physically at risk, don’t hesitate to call the police. Your safety matters. 

  • Learn to recognise the warning signs for escalating anger or violence. Think back over previous incidents to identify patterns and warning signs. 

  • Decide ahead of time when you’ll call for help, for example, if you’re threatened with violence. 

  • Keep a bag packed in case you need to leave quickly. Know where you can go, such as a trusted friend’s house, a refuge, or the nearest police station.

  • If you feel unsafe, move to a public or open area where others can see you. Take children in your care with you. This can help others to notice what is happening and step in or get help.

  • Reach out to a support organisation for advice and help. You’ll find more info on our whānau/family support page. 

 

What to do if it feels too risky to speak up 

Sometimes, it might not feel safe to raise concerns at all. This is a very hard position to be in. If this sounds familiar, please know that you’re not alone. Find someone who you trust and get support. Calling a professional support service for advice from a safe location could be the first step. Don’t try to deal with the situation by yourself. You deserve to be heard, cared for, and to get support to be safe. 

There are many ways to prevent or minimize problems. These can be useful even if the person you’re supporting is working towards stopping their drug use completely. For more tips and information, see our How to stay safer page. 

If someone has been using a drug regularly, stopping or cutting down can lead to withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal can be a very unpleasant experience for the person and, depending on the drug, could be life threatening. The severity of effects from withdrawal can be very different depending on the drug.   

This image shows common withdrawal symptoms, and when to call for help.  

 

These are some drugs that can be dangerous and potentially fatal to suddenly stop using if a person’s been using them regularly for a long time:  

If your loved one is using any of these drugs regularly, make sure they see a health professional for help tapering off safely.  

These drugs are unpleasant to withdrawal from, but can be done on their own at home:  

Visit our withdrawal page for more information on how to manage withdrawal and to download workbooks to help you prepare. 

Sometimes professional support can help. The person you’re supporting may not be ready to explore support options, and this can be challenging when we want them to get support or make changes. Remember that change often happens in stages, and pushing too hard can lead to resistance or shut down communication.   

While you can’t force someone to change, you can support them by offering information, encouraging small steps, and learning about what types of services they could access in the future. Even if they aren’t ready now, they may be in the future. Let them know you’re here to help if they are interested in trying out support options in the future. Learn more about the type of support they can access on our approaches page.  

Where to start   

Explore whether the person needs professional support. Not everyone who uses drugs (including alcohol) needs formal treatment. If you’re unsure you can call a local service and ask if your loved one would meet their criteria to access their service. You can also call Alcohol Drug Helpline (0800 787 797) for guidance on the kinds of service that would work best.   

If someone you’re supporting doesn’t need, or isn’t ready for, professional support, there are things they can do at home. Check out the ‘how to cut down or stop using drugs’ section for more tips. You can continue to stay supportive by sharing information about options, encouraging small steps, and looking after your own wellbeing. 

Know the different options available. There are many different support options in New Zealand. Look for services near you on Health Point or explore our approaches page for a breakdown of the types of options available. Some services, such as Whānau Ora services, aim to support the whole family as unit instead just the individual. Consider if this is right for your situation. 

Use family support organisations. When we are focused on supporting our loved ones, it’s easy to forget about our own needs. There are family support services available for you to meet others going through similar situations, get free counselling, advice, and talk about what you’re going through. See our whānau/family support page for more information.   

The vast majority of support options are voluntary, and people will need to consent to use them. In New Zealand, compulsory treatment for substance addiction falls under the Substance Addiction (Compulsory Assessment and Treatment) Act 2017. This Act only applies to people who are severely unwell due to their alcohol or other drug addiction. If someone can show that they still have the capacity to make an informed decision about their treatment, they cannot be committed under the Act. You can read about the Act in more detail here.  

You can be supportive, but you don’t have to be their only support. Finding other people they can get support from can take some of the pressure off you and give them an opportunity to work through some of the challenges they experience. 

Lapses and relapses are part of the recovery process for many people. It’s normal to experience setbacks along the way. 

What’s the difference between a lapse and a relapse?  

A lapse is a brief return to old behaviours or habits after a period of change.  

A relapse is a more significant and prolonged return to previous behaviours or habits. It often involves a return to previous levels of drug use, and is a significant departure from positive changes or goals someone has made.   

How can I help someone manage a lapse or relapse?   

  • Stay calm and non-judgemental. Offer support and remind them that setbacks are a common part of the process.  

  • Acknowledge their efforts. Remind them that a slip does not erase their progress. It’s not a failure; it’s a sign to adjust, not give up. 

  • Help them reflect. Gently explore what led to the lapse/relapse. There is usually a trigger. You could ask, “what was going on before the lapse happened?” 

  • Refocus on goals. Help them reconnect with the changes and goals they would like to make. You could ask them:  

    • What were your original reasons for making a change? 

    • What changes have you noticed so far? How have they affected your life? 

    • What might the future look like if you continue to work towards change? Why is this important to you? 

    • What might the future look like if you stop working towards change? How do you feel about this? 

    • What will help keep you motivated?   

  • Encourage connection. Help them connect with additional support, if they are open to this. Sometimes when people make changes to their drug use, it involves leaving people and environments which may trigger them. This can include a change in relationships with whānau/family, and close friends. It’s important to acknowledge how difficult this can be for people, and support them in finding alternative, positive connections. 

Remember to reach out and connect with others who care about you. They can help you feel connected to other people and see a different point of view.

And most important of all, go easy on yourself. Change happens one step at a time.